It's Only A Matter Of Time
by BoxOfScraps
Summary: Before Time Is All That Matters


"Hello and welcome back to...we'll tell you what show right after this commercial!" Ryan Seacrest ran and reapplied some makeup (Not show makeup, eyeliner and girly stuff like that) while the commercials ran. After two minutes he returned, all freshened up. "Welcome back to American Idol!" He said cheerfully. "Tonight, we're proud to present the best of the worst, that's right, all those epic fails all in one show. So let's get started!" Seacrest exhaled and a massive gut emerged, apparently he isn't as fit as we thought he was.

The tape rolled, and it went to where it all went down, the audition room. Simon was sitting there, hating everyone in existance, Paula was drunk off her ass, and Randy was...Randy, I guess.

A teen boy with a mowhawk walked in and waved, then started to sing the Barbie theme song, until Paula chucked her shoe at him.

"I'M THE ONLY BARBIE GIRL, QUIZNART!" She sat down calmly and took a drink of her "Coke".

The medics dragged off the contestant and in walked a man with long hair and what looked like an arc reactor in his chest. He looked around the room menacingly.

"State your name." Simon tiredly said.

"Where's my bird?" Whiplash stated, plain and clear.

Simon tossed his pencil down and started to rub his head. "I don't know, name, please."

"Where's...my...bird?"

"We don't know, dawg. Just tell us your name, dawg."

"WHERE'S MY BIRD?" Whiplash activated his...whips and slashed the judge's table in half. Shortly after a white bird flew in from the window and landed on his shoulder. "BIRDIE! Never mind, have a nice day." Whiplash whistled as he skipped out of the room.

Randy grabbed his soda from the ground and took a sip. "Can we get another table, dawg?"

"What happened?" Paula asked, waking up out of her mini-coma.

One hour and one new table later, the show resumed...

A black man with white hair and a vampire outfit walked in, and then stared at the judges.

"Nam-"

"Don't interrupt me, dummy!" Dracula shouted. "Don't nobody interrupt Dracula, Dracula want to speak, so he gonna speak! What was Dracula gonna say..."

"Your name, perhaps?" Simon clearly didn't want to be there, he almost wanted to just jump out of the window behind him.

"Name? Name? You don't know me? You know me, fool! I am Dracula, king of the vampires...dummy! I am what haunted your father's nightmares, so don't sass me!"

"Just bloody sing or get the hell out."

Paula slapped her hand on Simon's chest and stared at Dracula. "I have...I have a-a question...why weren't you in yesterday's story?"

"'Cause the head dummy forgot about me... and Dracula don't sing...Dracula gonna DANCE!" Just then, music started to play from nowhere and Dracula started to his thing. "It's getting' FUNKY up in here!" He clapped and a disco ball came down from the ceiling.

Simon shut his eyes and rubbed his temples for a good minute or so. "This is the most abstract, bizarre...ridiculous thing ever..." He opened them only to notice that Paula was dancing with Dracula. "Oh christ..."

Two hours and one dance session later...

"NEXT" Simon shouted as he adjusted his stack of papers.

In walked Batman, only he was wearing an Elvis outfit...with his Batman mask over it.

"NEXT!" Simon shouted _again_ as soon as Batman got to the center of the room.

Batman walked out defeatedly, Elvis hair bopping as he...left the building. (Ha ha! Pun.)

Next, in walked Aquaman...carrying a whale. "HEY GUYS!"

"Hey Aquaman..." The three judges all said at the same time, and all sounding extremely unenthusiastic that Aquaman showed up.

"CHECK OUT MY WHALE!"

"Yes, it's lovely, are you going to sing or what?" Simon asked the freak of nature across from him.

"NOPE! LATER GUYS!" Aquaman happily left the room, leaving a nice pool of, what they hoped to be, water on the stage.

"Well, that was an absolute and total waste of time." Simon marked off Aquaman's name on the list of people and sighed. "I'm so quitting this show in like...two years."

Paula gasped suddenly, remembering that she had to breathe. "I liked his dog."

"That was a whale, yo!"

"I thought it was a bit fat..."

Just then, Iron Man crashed through the roof and landed right in the middle of the stage. "I am Iron Man, and..." He straightened up and his mask revealed his face. "I would like to audition. My name is Stark, Tony Stark. I run a multimillion dollar corporation, and also...I am Iron Man."

The three judges looked at each other, wondering what to do. Iron Man wasn't included on the list of people who were to audition, but he was the only one so far to properly introduce himself.

Paula farted and smiled at Tony. "You got it handsome, show us- -us what you got."

"You got it, babe. But after I do, we're totally making out." He clicked his teeth and lowered his mask. Suddenly 'Never Gonna Give You Up' started to play. Tony blasted the speakers and looked around. "Who the hell just Rick Rolled me?"

Batman, still dressed as Elvis, jumped out of the sound booth and landed on the judges' table. "It was I, Iron Man. And now...PAYBACK TIME!" Paula reached out and started feeling Batman's ass randomly, which distracted him. "What the..."

Iron Man blasted Batman in the chest with his arc reactor and sent him flying through the window and, luckily, into a pillow factory somewhere down below. "I'm really starting to hate that guy."

"He had a nice ass, though." Paula said as she sniffed her fingers.

"Yeah, it was really tight, dawg." Randy added, gaining stares from everyone. "Well it was, what?"

"Homosayswhat?" Iron Man quipped.

Randy cocked his head quickly, confused. "What?"

"Ha, you fell for it, loser!" Iron Man blasted through the roof and went to his next destination.

Paula got up and looked up out the hole, waving to him. "So long Willy Wonka! See you next Arbor Day!" She said, making no sense whatsoever as usual. Some medics came in and gave her a shot of something, then hauled her off to the loony bin.


End file.
